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Joke of the Day

"YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe. ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear"

"I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed."

"A Russian walks into an alchohal rehab facility... Wait...what?"

"The neighbors are still looking for their dog. That shit was good"

"17: Want to see a movie? Me: Sure. 17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together. Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends."

"Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file!"

"CW: I think you're two-faced Me: Why don't you say that to my face CW: I just did! Me: No. My other face."

"If I worked for Papa Johns as a delivery man I would break down every door with an axe as I say ""Here's Johnny!"" Guaranteed tips."

"You won't believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just...stopped. Scary, huh?"

"I sure hope they're wrong about 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on here with you guys."