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Joke of the Day

"""She queefed violently, immediately fogging the windows of my Volvo wagon. I knew then I belonged to her."" - from my new novel, NIGHT SOIL"

"I work for a company who specialises in vacuum packed marine mammals. We're famous for our airtight seal."

"I couldn't figure out how my seatbelt worked. But then it clicked."

"P is for psychic.... Pumpkin squash!!"

"What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey.....................................well except for the apricot."

"I got caught masturbating recently, to a National Geographic magazine. I don't know who was more embarrassed me or my dentist."

"[At work] ""guys check this out"" [Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air] ""Holy shit help"""

"Maybe raccoons aren't really digging through trash for food, Maybe they're just looking for something to remove their eye shadow."

"My wife doesn't like it when I pee in the shower... Especially when I'm not in it... And she is."

"I've stood up for black people plenty of times... Not worth getting shot over a seat on the subway."