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Joke of the Day

"The heart wants what it wants, y'know? On an unrelated topic, I'm not allowed in Petco anymore."

"In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said ""You're the Obi Wan for me"" and that's the highlight of my entire dating experience."

"A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else."

"I once poured an entire bag of potato chips on my girlfriend. I wanted to ruffle her feathers."

"This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas? It's a cover version."

"I drafted 1984 Madonna and a meatball sub for my fantasy football team. Hey, it's my fantasy."

"You get in trouble for resisting arrest, but apparently you don't get extra credit for handcuffing yourself in advance."

"A friend of mine asked if you could catch AIDS from a toilet seat. I said, only if you sit down before the other guy gets up."

"My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening"

"Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans."