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Joke of the Day

"You get in trouble for resisting arrest, but apparently you don't get extra credit for handcuffing yourself in advance."

"I'm developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers' stories."

"HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession. ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance."

"What do you call a cowboy with erectile dysfunction? Clint Southwood"

"Interviewer: What is your greatest strength? Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict. Intvr: Do you mean ""knack""? *pulls out pillow*"

"I'm not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I'm going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard..."

"""But what about all the Positive Nancys?"" ~ a Nancy, complaining like usual"

"Why did the mission control operator tell the astronauts not to eat any food? She saw some off-nom telemetry."

"What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!"

"What is brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"