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Joke of the Day

"[at the pearly gates] I said, ""send me a selfie."" Then she said, ""too ugly today."" So I said, ""never stopped you before"" ...& here I am."

"Oops. Everyone brought their ""see you next year""s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture."

"What is the Puerto Rican national anthem? Row row row your boat"

"I saw a homeless man and gave him $1.00. I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77."

"911,What's your emergency? Me: I think it's a heart attack 911: Can you call back when you're sure, we're watching Walking Dead"

"What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves? Your mom."

"Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don't enjoy them. Plz understa"

"So many people have the name of their university in their bio. ""Nice to meet you, this is who tricked me out of 50 thousand dollars"""

"*Mom makes me take out the garbage* *Garbage and I begin to date* *I start taking things too fast* *Garbage dumps me*"

"I'm so broke this chrismas... I'm just going to wrap batteries with a note that says ^*s ^ ^"