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Joke of the Day

"[at the pearly gates] I said, ""send me a selfie."" Then she said, ""too ugly today."" So I said, ""never stopped you before"" ...& here I am."

"Did you hear about the most recent police shooting? I heard they killed a law-abiding, productive member of society."

"While on duty, a police officer comes across an injured baby horse. The cause of the injury unknown, but the officer suspects foal play."

"Premature ejaculating searches young woman... Oh.... nevermind"

"I like finger painting. I once painted a finger... on my finger, it was really good, no one could tell"

"Right before Abe Lincoln was shot Mary Todd Lincoln: See honey, I told you it wouldn't kill you to take me out sometime."

"Why does Barack Obama eat bananas? Because they are popular, inexpensive, and a good source of potassium."

"When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook."

"Here's my Bruce Jenner joke I made a joke"

"[diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you."