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Joke of the Day

"I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth."

"In 2010 the Apple CEO came to my house and started taking my cleaning supplies.. Bloody Jobs, stealing my polish!"

"Who are the greatest financiers in the bible? Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet."

"I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm pooping."

"I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me ""nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"" so I bought her nothing"

"Butter Wanna hear a joke about butter? I ""butter"" not tell you, you might ""spread it""...haha...makes me laugh every time that one."

"Life would be so much easier if it had an unfollow button."

"MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That's how old you were three years ago."

"You know what would be ironic? If People were made of irons."

"I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix... I mean, I've seen Stranger Things."