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Joke of the Day

"if someone wakes up from a twenty year coma, i hope the first thing they see when they turn on a TV is mike tyson petting his pigeons."

"Q: What do you give a dog with a fever? A: Mustard. (It's good for a hot dog.)"

"Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*."

"What do you call a Death Sentence for a Movie Theater Shooting? Too much to ask for."

"Three blind lesbians walk into a fish market. They get confused"

"[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*"

"I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving."

"""Can't beat fresh apple pie"" she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. ""Wrong"" I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER."

"Why couldn't the hipsters save the hippies? They were too far out."

"I just had the thought ""pfft. Your father can't die before you are born,"" and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert."