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Joke of the Day

"I expected a medal for my bravery when I had a full-leg cast on. Instead, I got atrophy."

"This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club ..but I'd never met herbivore."

"In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court."

"It's kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad."

"Teacher told me to give her eye contact when I speak with her. So i jabbed my finger in her eye to touch it."

"Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down."

"I fell of a 50ft ladder today! Luckily, I was only on the second step."

"I applied for a job as a Marsupial... Safe to say I didn't get it because I lacked the right Koalafications."

"I was alone, depressed and suicidal around Christmas time and decided to call the suicide prevention hotline ""Sorry but all of our employees are happily spending Christmas with their loving families"""

"I always get ""homophobe"" and ""homophone"" mixed up. I just know one of them likes caulk."