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Joke of the Day

"New machine at the gym. They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it. They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, you name it..."

"When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say ""Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"""

"If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?"

"So many babies. So little ketchup."

"You can't make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I'm pretty sure everyone else does too."

"Everyone is panicking about the stock markets.... But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging."

"Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch."

"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? ...none. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the shit out of the room for being black."

"want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"

"I sometimes wonder why I'm 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember."