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Joke of the Day

"I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle."

"I could talk about the atomic structure all day... But I'd rather not Bohr you about it."

"If you say 'my cocaine' really loudly, you will sound exactly like Michael Caine saying his own name. I will never get tired of this."

"How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes."

"When I was a kid the swear jar at my house was always empty because my sister was a goddamn fucking thief."

"[Lawyer] ""I can't stress this enough. You cannot plead that you're a wizard ok?"" ""ok"" [Later in court] ""I plead that im a wizard your honor"""

"So today's my wife's birthday... I went out and bought her some flowers and a vibrator. That's so if she doesn't like the flowers she can go fuck herself."

"[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance] ""NO KID, WAIT- [it starts raining buckets of pee]"

"What do you call a bird that lives underground ? A mynah bird !"

"Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don't want to ruin it my mom will be pissed"