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Joke of the Day

"Me: So what do you do? Date: I work with animals Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun"

"Maternity. Sounds like you're going to be pregnant forever."

"If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again."

"My wife finally conceded in an ongoing argument we were having about clocks It was about time."

"Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt."

"Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER."

"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."

"Why don't bees go to church? Because they are in sects."

"If you want to have sex with a frog, use a condom If you want to enjoy it, rib it"

"This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade."