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Joke of the Day

"(x) calls up a popular restaurant... The owner says, ""Sorry, we don't cater functions."""

"If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you Not all this ""how the hell did you get in my house"" and ""I'm calling the cops"" business"

"""What's the matter with him?"" ""Nothing. He's a positron."""

"Everyone wanted to go to Arch Strength, or Arch Dexterity, even to Arch Luck. Can't for the life of me think why noone wanted to go to Arch Wits."

"[in a bar] Him: Trouble is my middle name. Me: wow... That's a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents. Him: *breaks down crying"

"Apparently just because I have the ""mind of a child"" I'm not allowed to sit on a Santa's lap. Also it's ""illegal"" to carry a brain around."

"What is a mother's favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night."

"Zombie Apocalypse has begun... Man, it's hectic out there. I've killed like 6 zombies already. How's everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they all have bags of candy?"

"If wine is considered the blood of Jesus, I don't blame those romans for killing him. That shit is delicious"

"What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny."