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Joke of the Day

"I bought a time machine. I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore."

"Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!"

"My love life is like magic... Because it dosen't exist"

"Chuck Norris can run up a flight of stairs backwards."

"I wish my car's navigation could take human form so I can punch it in the face."

"I have an irrational fear that I'm accidentally making up words. I don't want to be misunderstandable."

"i'm the human version of samwise gamgee, can't destroy the ring but make sure it gets home so someone else can"

"The ending of ""Romeo and Juliet"" is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married."

"Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo That's when I had to put my foot down. EDIT: some shit"

"I ordered the CliffsNotes version of Snooki's book and they sent me a bar menu, a printout of the urban dictionary and an STD pamphlet."