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Joke of the Day

"Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is."

"We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're going to take them to an IKEA instead."

"I was going to do the dishes but they weren't in the mood."

"What does the average male have in common with a Velociraptor? They both have a six inch retractable claw."

"Thanks to twitter the approval of family and friends has taken a backseat to the approval of strangers on the Internet."

"I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20."

"When I think about you, I touch myself..... ......I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache..."

"You can never tell when someone's had plastic surgery. It always looks super real & not weird or awful. You should get some."

"Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home"

"Why are there no Jewish male pedophiles? Because not even the pleasure of hard candy is enough to make them spend a dollar on grooming a child."