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Joke of the Day

"When I think about you, I touch myself..... ......I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache..."

"Me: ""Want a banana?"" 3yo: ""Yes, but don't cut it up. And don't peel it. And don't make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle."""

"Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball."

"Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President? A: A competent liberal President."

"At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that's not my wifes phone number at all. She's zero fun today"

"Important Message for Every MAN if you MARRY ONE WOMAN She will fight with you... But if you MARRY TWO WOMAN they will fight for you :D So! Think Different... Add Wife... Have Life... ;)"

"What do you call an electronic bowl? Ebowla"

"Breaking News ..... international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven't got anything to wear"

"Can't wait for it to get dark earlier so I can pick my nose in traffic."

"You might want to read all of my tweets... so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better."