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Joke of the Day

"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off of a boat? If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat"

"Me: How many times are you going to lick my nose in your lifetime? Dog: "

"Its important to have a good vocabulary... If only I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living."

"What do you call a court case in which an immigrant is suing over sexual harassment? *Alien v. Predator*"

"What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow."

"Where do bacteria go when they die? St. Petri Dish."

"How Would You Describe the A.I. for a Robotic Dog? A bitch to program."

"I work for a company who specialises in vacuum packed marine mammals. We're famous for our airtight seal."

"Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man"

"My grandfather once told me, ""Your generation is too reliant on technology."" So I replied, ""No, *your* generation is too reliant on technology!"" Then I disconnected his life support."