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Joke of the Day

"Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man"

"The awkward moment when you've already said ""what?"" three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree"

"someone stole my chair! deceitful..."

"probably the worst thing you could do to an old person is force them to watch you tear up a bunch of coupons"

"Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics. Respect"

"Bacon eggs and toast walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says ""sorry we don't serve breakfast here"""

"I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead."

"Donated blood today. One lucky person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to read 3000 tweets per hour."

"Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, ""Nothing looks good on me"" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would."

"What does a dyslexic Christian worship? Dog"