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Joke of the Day

"Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man"

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"A blonde walks into a bar holding a piece of shit and says ""look what I almost stepped in!"""
"Why did the spotted pigs run away? They thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on the dotted swine."
"When someone asks if anyone has recommended Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to me Reddit already."
"A guy calls 911 Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Guy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Guy: The ugly one is winning."
"Do retarded people know that they are retarded? Person A: Do retarded people know that they are retarded? Person B: I don't know, do you?"
"When ppl I know try to explain a problem they're having w/ someone I don't know, I think, ""when I get home I'm going to eat food & watch TV"""
"If anyone finds 786 barely used tubes of Chapstick around my city, they're mine. I need them all back."
"So, a baby seal walks into a club... *Best joke i've ever heard.*"
"I don't want to do cocaine. I just want to know what it smells like."