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Joke of the Day

"if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape"

"Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed."

"How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan? Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer."

"I watched a programmer do stand-up comedy. I've gotta say, I loved his bits."

"If the carpet matches the drapes I'll install the hardwood for free"

"Hardest part of being a vegan What's the hardest part of being a vegan? Waking up at 5 to milk the almonds."

"You haven't seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting."

"When life gives you lemons, wish that life had given you something to make a more original aphorism."

"What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant."

"As a kid I could never understand why my mother would not let me play near the train tracks across the street from my house. Then it hit me."