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Joke of the Day

"Send a text to your SO exactly this in commas ""You effect me"" (read comments after you have done so 1st) SO: Don't you mean ""affect?"" You: Yeah i forgot the A-Hole. Sincerely, JM"

"The light at the end of the tunnel are the front lights of a train."

"""...This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right."" -my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet."

"Which state does the most laundry? Washington."

"[Warning: Nerdy] Two self driving cars lost control on the freeway and crashed, killing 4. Experts say it was caused by a race condition."

"I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don't waver. Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable."

"I just microwaved my TV dinner & it came out fully cooked on the first try, so I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone's hungry."

"What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together? it's must-up ..*rubs brow*"

"""Walk it off"" does not apply to everything. Stupidity, for example. You're not walking that shit off unless it's in to oncoming traffic"

"What's the name of the Hogwarts Professor that has an STI? Syphilis Snape"