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Joke of the Day

"""I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT"" - Guy who named the sweater."

"Has anyone ever told you what it's like to be royally screwed? Let me fill you in."

"What do you call a monster with two wooden heads? Edward Woodward."

"When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she's just not that into you."

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead."

"Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius."

"I don't see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?"

"""Now, tell me I'm pretty"" -me as a hypnotist"

"ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask"

"Where would you find the scientist who loved to f$@k dogs? In the lab."