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Joke of the Day

"I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I'm in."

"I work in food service. .. We've cooked so many passover meals, it's like everyone is afraid of ovens."

"My friend died at an orgy the other day and nobody knows why. It's a fucking mystery."

"LPT: If you're trying to get over a crush just imagine them taking the wettest dump ever. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit."

"Ever had that feeling where you just want to jump right out of bed? Me neither."

"What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?"

"What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head? I blame my shelf"

"I was writing an essay when Keanu Reeves busted in and told me that there's a bomb on my computer and if my typing speed fell below 50 wpm, the whole laptop would explode."

"What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out? A Peter Parka"

"New music is so bad you should be cool like me: longing for a fictionalized version of the past you werent even alive for in the first place"