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Joke of the Day

"Whats green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls from a tree? A pool table"

"Why did Sepp Blatter resign from the FIFA president position? He just couldn't hold it any longer."

"[girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]"

"5yo: ""Dad we don't have a chimney. How will Santa get in?"" Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what? Me: what?"

"Why did Richard leave his home this morning? For Harambe."

"Alcohol is nothing but poison But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die."

"Knock knock Knock Knock... Who's there? The police The police who? Mam, your son is dead."

"What's the worst thing Willie Nelson can tell you while giving you a handjob? I'm not Willie Nelson"

"I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep."

"<-- Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife"