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Joke of the Day

"Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that."

"Europe is in turmoil, but at least I've got some steady income despite the migrant crisis I own a florist around the corner from the French embassy"

"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

"My boss asked if he dropped his watch in the toilet Because I was shitting on his time And joke creds to him. I was also fresh out of witty comebacks..."

"Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts."

"CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them"

"In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious"

"My pastry factory has been pretty successful... So far we've had a good turnover."

"I love to challah at Jewish chicks."

"*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*"