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Joke of the Day

"I always have to throw out my animal crackers. They always have that label: ""Do not eat if seal is broken""."

"I just successfully robbed a bank! Now what to do with all this sperm..."

"Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family."

"What is half the diameter of a radish? ...the radiush."

"My girlfriend is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type."

"What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? In a police car, the pricks are on the inside."

"You should all be proud if me, guys. I got a designated driver for tonight. He's my nephew, and he's six, but he's drank way less than me."

"I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot. ""Arrrr...it were on sail.'"

"Did you hear about the monkey who was a virgin and didn't care? Zero fucks gibbon. (sorry)"

"What do you call a dinosaur with herpes? ...a Cankersaurus!"