38795

Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type."

"i was about to smoke a joint in the park but then i saw a sign that said ""keep off the grass"" and felt judged."

"I accidentally pooped my pants during a 5 hour long company meeting today. It was super embarassing, but a man's gotta doo when a man's gotta doo."

"I like stuffed animals. Oven baked with breadcrumb stuffing."

"Never fall in love with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."

"My grandfather's broken watch is just as relevant today as it was in the 50s It's a timeless piece, really."

"Girl, if you got any hotter you'd be so earth-shatteringly hot the ground would split & we'd burn to death in molten lava. That would suck."

"What's the difference between someone falling from 21st floor and 1st floor? 21st floor person goes: AHHHHHHHHHH *thump* 1st floor goes: *thump* AHHHHHHHHHH"

"[sees baby drooling] um excuse me i am a person not a piece of meat"

"What happened to German Orphans after WW2? Did they ever get back on the Reich track? (I saw the post in /r/history earlier and was disappointed to find it was a serious question. I fixed it.)"