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Joke of the Day

"What do you get if you cross a glow-worm with a python? A twenty-foot-long strip-light that can squeeze you to death."

"3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone."

"Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse."

"What does a black guy wearing a fedora say to greet people? Sup m'niggas"

"[hunting] ""In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call"" [clears throat, cups hands round mouth] ""COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK"""

"What did Joan Rivers say to the zombie? *Who are you wearing?*"

"What's worse then passing out at a party and getting a penis drawn on your forehead? Finding out that they traced it...."

"What should you do when you are cold? Stand in a corner, corners are 90 degrees"

"When someone has a baby, I'm just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with"

"Nazis and the great depression, I get it, Grandpa. But did you have to hear the word 'selfie' every fucking day? Did you?!"