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Joke of the Day

"""Ok. Breathe. Retrace your steps. You went to the beach, carried that dude, stopped for Quizno's, got your hair cut..."" -God loses his keys"

"What do you call a terrorist from Paris? A Paririst"

"Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go."

"I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory."

"Sorry if this comes across as offensive... Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train. One man shouts to the carriage ""Air in the hands motherstickers!"" The other man shouts ""This is a fuck up!"""

"How many buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they enlighten themselves."

"Finally got the ""Josh Duggar is good"" neck tattoo I've wanted for years, now let me just read today's news as I take a large sip of water..."

"1. Stand in sauna 2. Add 30,000 strangers 3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds 4. Repeat for 12 hours Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?"

"Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy..."

"#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot"