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Joke of the Day

"""Ok. Breathe. Retrace your steps. You went to the beach, carried that dude, stopped for Quizno's, got your hair cut..."" -God loses his keys"

"How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck."

"Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you."

"Scientists had already discovered a ninth planet 5000 times the size of Pluto years ago Your Mum"

"What do the Green Bay Packers and Monica Lewinsky have in common? They both like Clinton-Dix"

"The Earth and the Moon get in an argument The Moon tried to be the bigger body and walk away, but the Earth grabbed it and said ""I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. """

"Caesar and Brutus are playing battleships. A2, Brute?"

"imagine if poop was transparent. I'd completely lose my shit"

"My kids have voted, and the results are in. It's official, I've been elected the President of Empty Threats."

"You know what I hate? People that start their statements with rhetorical questions."