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Joke of the Day

"[Hardware store] ME: I'll take one of those giant forks. WORKER: That's a rake. ME: I'm gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing."

"What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is sick bird."

"Give me a compliment. A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: ""I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment"". The man replies: ""Your eyes are still working great""."

"If you were transported right now to Mars you should be able to jump 62.5% higher... [anti-joke] But you can't because you would be dead. No spacesuit = not alive."

"Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25"

"A Hot Romance While watching a romantic movie, my wife leans over and whispers in my ear ""I want you to make me sweaty and wet."" So I shut off the fan."

"I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning"

"""One man's trash is another man's treasure"" it's a great saying... but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted."

"I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow! Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629."""

"Why do some people love their VW diesel cars? Well, it's the official car of the New England Patriots after all."