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Joke of the Day

"I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning"

"Beethoven asks his audience: ""Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"" The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: ""I can't hear you!"""

"Hey does anyone know how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism?"

"Getting a PhD is like an erection, it's long and hard.... unless you're Chinese."

"Confucius says - He who goes to bed with itchy butt Wake up with stinky fingers. Just remembered this from when I was 13"

"Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own 5yo: Ok Me:. 5yo:. Me:. 5yo: How do I do that?"

"When one door closes... An incognito window opens."

"My wife has packed her things and left me... My wife has packed her things and left me due to my obsession with glass objects. Frankly, I'm shattered."

"pedophile do you think pedophiles get depressed when they see a pregnant women walk into planned parenthood?"

"Is a man more intelligent before, during or after sex? During. Because you're plugged into the know it all"