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Joke of the Day

"The Lord said unto John, ""Come forth and be awarded eternal life"" John came fifth and was awarded a toaster"

"Don't forget when you're tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You're welcome."

"How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How many Ferguson police does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just shoot the room for being black."

"Jackasses and Onions What do you get when you cross a Donkey and an Onion??? You get a great piece of ASS that brings a tear to your eyes!!!!"

"I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend."

"History exam. There was no match for the history exam that Mr. Grey had set for his students. It was the Grey test of all time."

"Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively"

"The worst thing a woman can ask a man is ""Guess what today is."""

"[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave"