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Joke of the Day

"[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave"

"RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust"

"If someone says ""Someone in this room has a bomb,"" I can't rule myself out as a suspect. - Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7"

"NO MORE READING! Yesterday I was reading this article in the newspaper about all the danger of alcohol. It scared the crap out of me!!! So that's it - from this day forward, NO MORE READING!"

"I'm not trying to be romantic but you have something in your eye. My dick."

"Its World Malaria Day on 25th April. But what do you get the mosquito that has everything?"

"""911, what's your emerg-"" ""The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell"" ""Sir uteri is not plural for ute-"" ""TAMPI EVERYWHERE"""

"Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I'll probably live forever."

"What do you call an all guy Christian party? A suseJ fest"

"I started to work at a seafood buffet... ...but then I pulled a mussel."