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Joke of the Day

"Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively"

"Why is the fridge shaking so much? It's running just fine. Probrably because it's so turned on!"

"So I was talking to a feminist the other day... The trial is next week"

"Things that are dangerous- -riding a motorcycle -sharks -riding sharks"

"In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months."

"We can play Yahtzee again. -You fixed the broken dice? Yeah. And they'll never break again. -How do you know? *grins* Die mends are forever."

"Genetic link to male ageing and stress found in the XX sex chromosome. Hopefully it translates well enough into english."

"Ladies don't pass gas. We just let it bubble up inside until it bursts out in the form of nonstop chatter about some chick we hate at work."

"What's worse than being German on D-Day? Being single on V-Day."

"The moon landings looked more realistic than Hillary's rally last week. And those were faked with 1960s technology."