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Joke of the Day

"COP: You're allowed 1 phone call ME: I'm gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that"

"ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents."

"Which elf likes to click pictures? sELFie"

"The inventor of the Red Solo Cup had died. His body was found under the sofa in the living room three days after his death."

"Yo mamma is so lazy and dumb... She thought Jungle Gym was Tarzan's cousin! Original. You're welcome."

"Q: Why would you take a hammer to bed? A: So you could hit the sack."

"I Like Long Walks on the Beach until the LSD wears off and it turns out I'm dragging a mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot"

"Two guys and a girl walk into a bar The next guy ducks ^^^^^ba-dum-tss"

"My wife let me remove all her clothes last night. From the dryer."

"NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That's what my tax dollars are going to? You're tracking a fictitious fat dude?"