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Joke of the Day

"IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?"

"I have never seen the movie Titanic and I never plan to because a friend spoiled the ending for me The boat sinks. Credit to u/Donkey__Xote for this beautiful comment in an r/AskReddit thread"

"What's a martian's favorite wine? Chardonayy."

"I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith."

"What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common? They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks."

"So an interviewer asked me a question.. A: Your greatest weakness? B: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmaticsA: Could you give an example?B: Yes, I could"

"What did the mother say to the child who refused to eat his fossil for dinner? Trilobite, you'll love it!"

"me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot"

"Bloody Foreigner... ...coming over here, wanting to know what love is."

"Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on."