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Joke of the Day

"Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on."

"If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me."

"Shout out to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets."

"[office] BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter] SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]"

"currently imagining a redditor choking on an uncooked hotdog and trying to wheeze out ""epic fail"" before losing consciousness"

"The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something..."

"I just found out that ""Birdman"" has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it."

"*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*"

"Karen on Facebook says, ""2014 is going sooooo well!"" Personally, I've already fcuked up 2014, and a good chunk of 2015, so go fcuk yourself Karen."

"What is the pinnacle of laziness? Having a remote control for your remote control."