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Joke of the Day

"Wife: You were right. Me: Say it again. Wife: You were right. Me: Again. Wife: You were right. Me: One more time. Wife: You wer- *wakes up*"

"Mafia boss: ""I want him swimming with the fishes!"" *later at the coral reef* Me: ""This is amazing!"" Mafia boss: ""Anything for you."""

"Me: We need to go. 11: Go without me. 7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can't let that happen."

"My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree."

"You hear about these new trains that can burn any organic matter for fuel? They even run on thyme!"

"What do you call a gay black man? A homiesexual"

"What do you call the useless flap of skin around the vagina? A woman. 'Nuff said."

"What is 6.9? A very good moment ruined by a period."

"Saying Trump can't be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can't be sexist because he married a woman."

"Oh you got ""Swag""? Don't forget to put that on your Burger King Application."