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Joke of the Day

"I have a weird quirk when watching Star Wars I wait for when someone is going to yell, ""R2!"" and yell out ""Am not!"""

"If I ever see my wife asleep with her mouth wide open, I seize the opportunity. First I unzip my pants, then I pull out my penis... And then I have sex with her sister."

"If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees."

"I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls."

"My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn't at all concern & terrify me."

"if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence"

"My neighbor asked me to keep an eye on his house while he's out of town. I've already texted him ""Your house isn't on fire"" 42 times."

"Jihadi John Guess he's Jihadi gone now"

"I just bought my wife some new eyes, a new nose and a new mouth... I can't wait to see her face when she opens them."

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I cant jelly my dick in your ass"