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Joke of the Day

"You know there are some trained minds that can tell a lot about a person just by looking at them. I like to call said minds 'Presumptious, judgemental Assholes.'"

"I think of immigration like I think of sex. It is more fun if everyone comes."

"I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment."

"What do you find in between the tits of an old woman that you won't find in between those of a young woman? A belly button."

"One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos"

"How much coke can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men"

"Shouting, ""You're all pathetic idiots!"" to freedom of speech protesters... Soon changes their tone."

"Did you hear about the new tractor movie? I heard it has a good trailer."

"Damn girl are you a Scientology Church? Because after I come inside you I'm going to be thoroughly disappointed and end up paying large sums of money for the rest of my life just to leave."

"You can't leave the aquarium with a penguin. It's a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop. Ma'am, it's moving. I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!"