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Joke of the Day

"Guy asks his friend: ""I heard you were out til 5 am last night. You must have been partying pretty hard?"" Friend: ""Did you just assume my bender?!"""

"How do the greek separate the men from the boys? With a crow bar."

"Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing."

"Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars."

"Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*"

"Date: what kind of work do you do? Me: I dabble in real estate [Dad yells down the stairs] She visits open houses and eats the free cheese"

"I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off. Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back."

"Why did everybody where white pants at The Masters? Dustin Johnson sneezed."

"Job interview What's your weakness?' Honesty.' I don't think honesty is a weakness.' I don't give a fuck what you think.'"

"Just got a $14 haircut at Great Clips because I'm worth it goddamnit."