63702

Joke of the Day

"If pro is the opposite of con, then whats the opposite of progress? Congress"

"What do you call a country of grizzlies that is always stoned? A hibearnation."

"Sorry I tweeted before texting you back. Sorry I opened your Snapchat but didn't respond. Sorry these are things we actually worry about now"

"A man died today when a pile of books fell on him. He only had his shelf to blame."

"I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrodinger house is quite stressful."

"I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best."

"What do Kermit the Frog and David Cameron Have in Common? They both like to pork."

"What do you call a chicken staring intently at a piece of lettuce? A chicken ceaser salad."

"Mentos should print little messages on their mints like ""you're awesome"" or ""looking good"" and call them Complimentos."

"the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO"