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Joke of the Day

"Sorry I tweeted before texting you back. Sorry I opened your Snapchat but didn't respond. Sorry these are things we actually worry about now"

"Small girl: I'd buy that dog but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short ? Why all four of them touch the floor."

"My face is very symmetrical...over the x-axis :("

"The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore."

"I like my women like I like my alcohol..... Rubbing."

"Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you're the reason why I'm broke. :("

"Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster."

"There's a nudist convention in my town next weekend I might go if I've got nothing on"

"While digging a hole today I found a bunch of old gold coins. I ran in to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging a hole."

"What do you call a bouncer at a.. What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar? A flame thrower."