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Joke of the Day

"Sorry I tweeted before texting you back. Sorry I opened your Snapchat but didn't respond. Sorry these are things we actually worry about now"

"Today's lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents."

"Why did the libertarian chicken cross the road? That's none of your damn business. Is he being detained?"

"My favourite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car."

"My girlfriend said I'm too immature for her. ""If I'm immature, how come I've got an Arsfor?"" She said ""What's an Arsfor?"" ""Shitting!"" I said, and giggled for 20 minutes."

"Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork."

"The new season of House of Cards will be nothing compared to what lies ahead with President Trump!"

"I was going to write up a guide on how to reserve yourself a spot on the front page of Reddit... ...but it's really not my place to say!"

"Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it's probably just as well real lightsabers aren't available yet."

"Which type of juice has the most mood swings? Caprice Sun. [OC]"