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Joke of the Day
"What's Jared's favorite ingredient for his Subway sandwiches? Extra virgin oil"
Next Joke
"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way."
"Just back from that seafood disco. Pulled a mussel!"
"In 7 seasons I've never seen a single motherfucker on Top Chef wash their hands."
"1) Put index and thumb together. 2) Place them where nose meets forehead. 3) Close eyes. 4) Sigh. 5) Check to see if person still talking."
"What did Vincent van Gogh call himself when he joined the Justice League? The Starry Knight"
"ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me ME: I like you ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me"
"Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it."
"If I were to ask you out, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?"
"C-sections are like the Digiorno of pregnancy..... It isn't delivery, but it still tastes like one."