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Joke of the Day

"What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger."

"Growing up, whenever I told my father, 'It's really nice out!'... He'd reply, 'Yeah, I had it out a minute ago, I thought it was great, too!' And so went my childhood..."

"A girls diet always starts tomorrow..."

"Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's table? Sir Cumference."

"[narrating people dancing at a wedding] These humans are using their legs for the first time today"

"Bad luck, Atheists named Christian."

"What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through? Oh God, not the B's!"

"For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave."

"If you're going to do something illegal don't plan it through Facebook Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+."

"What do you call a bird that drunkenly conveys a compelling perspective on racial hatred? Tequila Mockingbird."