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Joke of the Day

"Why did the USAS with frag rounds fall over? Because it was... imbalanced."

"Ordered my grilled cheese with tomato. Go hard or go home."

"DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu."

"What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through one of his skits without laughing"

"Gun, while only being a letter away from gum, is definitely not something that your teacher wants you to share with the rest of the class."

"Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls."

"How do you set a woman's watch? You don't, there's already a clock on the stove."

"What do you call a joke with no ending?"

"Why did the psych ward escapee never get married? He had a fear of commitment"

"I've lost all ability to feel... I'm numb.... I'm starting to slip away... I look forward to the empty, meaningless void Now pull the damn tooth, Doctor"