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Joke of the Day

"Why was the Doctor screaming angrily at his secretary? He ran out of patients."

"I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife. I'll put a patio on them later."

"What do you call your grandma on speed dial? Instragram!"

"Don't fret, I'll buy you a guitar, no strings attached. You might not want it because you're a little picky."

"Why are magicians always sad? Because everything they have disappears"

"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office Just know that I will find you. You have my Word."

"When your boss says ""you're getting a little behind,"" he won't appreciate it when you wink and say ""been working out-thanks for noticing."""

"Interview: ""What is your biggest weakness"" Guy: ""Honesty"" Interviewer: ""I don't believe honesty is a weakness"" Guy: ""I don't give a f*** about what you believe"""

"[At Neiman Marcus] *looks at sales clerk* *holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase* I don't know...which one will hold more chicken nuggets?"

"Have you seen the new Stephen Hawking's movie? They say it's too good you won't be able to move from your seat the entire film."