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Joke of the Day

"What does Tim Cook do when he's home alone at night? Jack off"

"Fucking customer keeps calling & asking for a quote even though I keep telling him I'm not an inspirational mother fucker."

"Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild."

"I'm taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers"

"I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure. This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S."

"How do you piss of an archaeologist? Hand him a tampon and ask what period it's from."

"You call it nervousness or having the jitters. I call it, I think my body was possessed by a meth addict in detox. Samesies?"

"Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado."

"What's long, green and smells like pork? ""Kermit the frogs fingers"""

"What's Chris Martin's favorite drink? Apple Martini"