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Joke of the Day

"[sinking ship] CAPTAIN: dammit RAT: i'm leaving CAPTAIN: i'm staying CAPTAIN'S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i'm excited to see how this plays out"

"Halloween costume... Guy 1 at Halloween party: Hey look, Steve's wife dressed up like Wonder Woman. Guy 2 at Halloween party: Yeah, it makes you wonder if she's a woman."

"Wine doesn't have many vitamins. That's why you have to drink a lot of it."

"How is Sandusky like a tortoise? He gets there before the hair..."

"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? ... There was nothing left but de Brie."

"I'm on a whiskey diet I've lost three days already."

"My wife passed away from an infected in-grown hair. I got a cyst and deceased letter."

"I feel bad for the homeless guy ""I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever"" -Norm Macdonald"

"If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people."

"I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon."