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Joke of the Day

"Atoms are what make us all Matter:)"

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 85,432 times, you're a weatherman"

"A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor ""Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth."

"Do you know why I pulled you over? ""Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet."" I meant this time ""Oh. No."" Please step out of the oven."

"[bank robbery] OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN! [dave starts doing the electric slide] Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money"

"Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? They're always switching their tails!"

"I would have fucking loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from."

"I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 and she has $.25"

"What kind of a battery does Dj Khaled use? A Li-ion battery."

"A friend is like a condom. They'll stick close to you and protect you as best they can but once you fill them with semen you need a new one."