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Joke of the Day

"A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor ""Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth."

"Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a p*nis."

"Where do the stankass penguins live? Antfartica"

"Johnny was a chemists son.... Johnny was a chemist's son, But Johnny is no more, What Johnny thought was H2O, Was H2SO4."

"4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed... 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects."

"So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine... Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some? Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish. Me: No, it's free! *from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*"

"Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them? In Watts. I'll see myself out now."

"Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ""You're next."" They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

"Why did spider-man cross the road? To get to the *web*site !! *ba-dum-tsss*"

"Do they make a scale that says things like ""Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?"""