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Joke of the Day

"[doctors] ""How long have I got?"" ""Not long. Two, three months"" [casually places apple on desk] ""Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"""

"My favorite part of a marathon is... My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka."

"Picked up our Christmas tree from the lot today AND my wife hasn't shaved in 3 weeks. Noble fir in the streets. Noble fur in the sheets."

"If anyone needs me, I'll be over at facebook, actin' creepy."

"Great, I clicked on ""Start Your Free Trial"" and now I'm convicted of murder."

"i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier"

"Knock knock! (Who's there?) Not Abe Vigoda."

"Marriage is like a hurricane... Starts with a bunch of sucking and blowing, and at the end you lose your house."

"""I'm quite content on this side of the street, thank you."" -- No squirrel ever."

"Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide - Windexter."